Look At Me
by OtakuFangirlCrazyArtist
Summary: When Shunsui leaces Juushiro out of guilt, can the two reconcile or is the situation broken beyond repair?


A/N: This fic gave me so much trouble. I had to think hard about the scenario and the process and then the end took me forever to figure out. Nevertheless, I'm rather proud that I finished it. Please review, they make me happy! n.n

I recently reread this and realized how many errors there were. I have fixed them now! Sorry about that.

* * *

Shunsui opened his eyes slowly, shocked to find that the sun had barely begun to show itself on the horizon. The lake outside the round, porthole-like window was still a black, flat mirror. He never woke up this early. He sighed, already regretting what he had to do today.

He turned his eyes to the person beside him. Juushiro was still asleep, kind brown eyes closed and face peaceful. For once, his cheekbones weren't painfully prominent and he was moderately pale as opposed to frighteningly pale. It was a nice change though Shunsui knew it wouldn't last.

Juushiro shifted in his sleep and his yukata fell open, revealing the pale chest that was half obscured by tightly wound bandages. Shunsui winced inwardly and looked away. He got out of bed, careful not to wake Juushiro and began to change into his uniform.

Even though Juushiro contradicted him every time, Shunsui knew that the neatly-bound injury was his fault. They had been fighting hollows and Juushiro had had an attack unexpectedly. Shunsui hadn't been able to block the blow to Juushiro's chest. Juushiro said that it wasn't his fault, that no one could have anticipated it. But Shunsui had promised to always protect him. And no matter how Juushiro argued it, he had broken his promise at the worst possible moment. Every time he looked at those bandages, guilt rose in his throat and he felt unworthy of anything Juushiro gave him. That was why he was leaving today. He wanted to leave a note, so that Juushiro wouldn't come looking for him.

There was paper and a brush on the desk. Shunsui carefully cleared the paperwork –filled with Juushiro's spidery script– to one side of the desk. Then he began to write. He said how sorry he was and that he didn't deserve anything from Juushiro anymore. He apologized again at the end. He would have apologized a thousand times and it still wouldn't have been enough. When he was finished writing, he placed the brush back on the desk and put the paperwork back where it had been. He placed the note on the pillow where his head had rested minutes ago.

Shunsui knelt by the futon, watching Juushiro sleep for a minute. His hair flowed freely, a cascade of soft strands the color of snow. Strong features were neutral in sleep, untroubled by physical pain or nightmares. This was the way Shunsui wished Juushiro could always feel.

Shunsui leaned over and kissed the sleeping man softly. He savored the taste of his lover's mouth and his smell. Juushiro's eyelids fluttered and Shunsui pulled back quickly. Luckily, Juushiro didn't wake. Shunsui stood up, took a last look at the man he was leaving and walked out of Ugendou. He flashed down the dock-like walkway to the Eighth Division's buildings. The sun had fully risen by now and the Seireitei looked new under it's light but Shunsui couldn't appreciate it today. Upon entering the office he shared with Lisa he saw that she was already there, sitting at her desk doing paperwork. Lisa looked up as Shunsui walked in. He acknowledged her with an off-hand "Morning, Lisa-chan," and sat at his desk. He eyed the paperwork strewn across it with significantly less distaste than usual. It would be a good distraction. He could feel Lisa's eyes on him as he filled out the papers but he ignored her gaze.

"Taichou, are you alright?" she asked after they had been working silently for almost an hour.

"I'm fine, thanks Lisa-chan," he said mechanically. She continued to watch him concernedly but said nothing more. She was always so perceptive. Shunsui was sure she would figure out what was bothering him soon enough.

* * *

Juushiro opened his eyes slowly, immediately noticing that the space beside him was coldly empty. Shunsui must have left for a meeting or something. Maybe Lisa had dragged him out. Juushiro smiled slightly at the thought. He rolled over into the spot that still held a little of Shunsui's warmth. Juushiro's head rolled into something... crinkly. Frowning in confusion, he reached under his head and puled out a piece of paper that looked as thought it had been taken from his desk. He recognized Shunsui's large, messy handwriting and began to read. His heart sank as he read what was hurriedly written there. The event he had always dreaded in the back of his mind had finally occurred. Shunsui had left him. The reason didn't really make a difference, what mattered was that Juushiro wasn't good enough for him anymore. It wasn't fair but nothing really was. Juushiro knew this, yet he still allowed himself to think that if their positions had been reversed, they would still be together. The thought wasn't a welcome one and Juushiro was almost ashamed for thinking it.

To get away from these thoughts, he got up and dressed, hurriedly stuffing he note into his pocket. Then he made his way to the Fourth Division where Unohana-sempai needed to check on his injury.

* * *

Unohana greeted him at the door and led him to an examination room. They talked politely for a few moments and then Unohana checked his wound.

"Does it hurt at all?"

"No, I barely notice it anymore."

"Good," she smiled and he smiled back. It was forced and she was one of the only people he knew who could tell. She was like another sister, they had known each other so long.

"Ukitake-kun, is something wrong?" She looked up at him with concern. He didn't answer for a moment, simply stared at the wall over her head without really seeing it. Then, wordlessly, he pulled Shunsui's note out of his pocket ad handed it to her. Unohana quickly scanned the page, a frown creasing her usually passive expression. She looked up at him when she was finished.

"I'm very sorry," she said softly as she handed the paper back to him, "Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't think so," Juushiro answered, "It's too late." His voice had taken on a hollow tone, one that Unohana had only heard a handful of times. She squeezed his shoulder in reassurance and said, "Maybe you can bring him around." He smiled at her and said, "Maybe so. Thank you Retsu-chan."

But as he walked back through the Seireitei he thought, _I doubt it..._

* * *

A month after that day, Shunsui was sitting at his desk and staring out the window. The beauty that he usually saw was once again lost on him. He wondered how much more of this he could take. The awkward Captain's meetings, the knowing gazes of Yama-jii and Unohana-sempai, even the occasional innocent question brought up the things he was trying to forget.

Shunsui was telling himself that Juushiro would be okay. He had to be. Shunsui was afraid to find out otherwise, because there was nothing he could do to fix it. Sure, Juushiro seemed fine; but Shunsui could always tell. It was in his tone, his posture and especially his eyes. Shunsui hadn't looked into his eyes since the day he left. He knew they were there, but knowing something is there and truly looking at it are two very different things. He didn't expect to ever fully see those soft brown orbs again.

"Shunsui-taichou?" Lisa asked, breaking into his thoughts.

"What is it, Lisa-chan?" he answered off-handedly, gaze not moving from the window.

"You left Juushiro-taichou, didn't you." It wasn't a question, though it sounded like one.

"Yes," he affirmed. The single word was a far cry from his usual eloquent phrases.

"Can I give you some advice about that?" she inquired. He shrugged.

"It wasn't smart of you," she said frankly, "I may not know what the specifics were but you two need each other, whether you want to admit it or not." Shunsui looked around in surprise. He hadn't expected her to say that.

"You'd better get to the First Division, you'll be late for your Captain's meeting," Lisa reminded him tartly. He got up and went to the door. Before he opened it he said, "Thanks Lisa-chan, but I don't think I'll be following your advice." Shunsui walked out and made his way to the First Division.

* * *

Juushiro stood in the Captain's hall, waiting for the rest of them to arrive. With no Shunsui to make him late, he was always arriving early to meetings nowadays. He should have been content with that, but he would rather be late if it meant having Shunsui back. Juushiro had given up trying not to think of him. It was pointless, when everything reminded him. He didn't know how much he could take. It had only been a month but already Juushiro could feel Shunsui's absence sharply, a wound in his chest that throbbed and stung whenever he thought of him. It was a struggle to drag himself to these meetings, because they would have to stand there, neither looking at the other but both wishing they could reconcile. The balance was too delicate for Juushiro to handle and he felt that if he tried to fix it, he would break things between them beyond even possible repair.

The other captains trickled in in twos and threes. When Shunsui arrived he didn't look at Juushiro, simply walked to his place as though there was no one watching him. The meeting passed just as Juushiro had predicted. He watched Shunsui out of the corner of his eye, but the man never even turned his head from the soutaichou, who spoke for the whole hour. Afterwards, the captains milled around and talked. Shunsui was joking around with Yoruichi and Shinji. Juushiro wanted to go up to them and speak to Shunsui, try and mend things. But he didn't want to become a burden again. So he just stood there, the pain in his chest increasing by the minute. It wasn't his disease for once, it was Shusnui's absence. He was so close, and yet Juushiro had never been so far from the man he loved. Each breath he took hitched, the pain was climbing up his throat so that he couldn't breathe, couldn't move, nothing mattered but the wordless wail that echoed through his mind.

His uneven breathing finally triggered a cough, then a fit of them that shook his whole body. He fell to his knees and blood trickled through his fingers, crimson droplets falling to the wood floor. He gagged and choked on his own blood, not noticing Unohana's calm voice speaking over his head or Genryuusai-sensei's slow response. As he fought to catch his breath, he felt a warm hand on his back and a familiar voice in his ear saying, "Breathe slowly. You'll be okay." Juushiro looked up at Shunsui, shocked that the man was reaching out. But then he saw that Shunsui wasn't even looking at him, just gazing with vacant eyes over his head. It rankled him that even when there was blood falling from his lips, Shunsui wouldn't acknowledge his existence. The wish to not be a burden was being quickly replaced by the need to be seen.

Another wave of blood came from his lungs and Juushiro bent over again, fighting his body for every choked breath. He felt Shunsui pick him up and as the world went black he felt warmth and pain in equal parts.

* * *

Juushiro opened his eyes, wincing at the ache in his chest. He started up at the white ceiling above him. It was sadly familiar. He was in the Fourth Division's infirmary.

"Ukitake-kun? Can you hear me?" Unohana's calm voice came from his right. He turned his head to look at her and asked, "What happened?" His voice was hoarse from coughing and he cleared his throat quietly.

"You lost consciousness and Kyouraku-kun carried you here," His eyes widened, though he had a vague memory of strong, warm arms lifting him before he passed out.

"You should be fine," continued Unohana, "But I'd like you to rest for a few days."

"Yes, sempai," he said with a wan smile. She laughed.

"I'll leave you two alone now." She left through a sliding door and Juushiro looked to his left where, as he had known, Shunsui sat in a chair. He was looking down at his hands, hat shading his face.

"So are you okay, Juushiro-san?" His voice caught on the suffix, as though using it with Juushiro was unfamiliar and unfriendly territory. That small word made the chasm between them larger still.

"Yes, I'm alright now," Juushiro said, sitting up slowly. He winced slightly at the ache in his muscles.

"Good," Shunsui replied, "Then I'm not needed here." He got up and went to the door.

"Look at me!" Juushiro burst out, "Why don't you see me anymore?! It's like I don't exist!" He hadn't meant to say that, but now that he had there was no going back.

"I don't look at you because I can't," Shunsui replied hollowly, "I can't be reminded of everything I've done. It's too much," he whispered.

"Then let it go," Juushiro said quietly, "You don't have to carry all that guilt with you."

"If I don't then who will?" Shunsui asked.

"No one has to. That injury wasn't anyone's fault and you know it. If you didn't love me anymore, you could have just told me, I would have let you go," Juushiro couldn't believe he was saying this. It was the opposite of what he wanted. He wanted Shunsui to stay as long as he could, because when he left that meant the pain and absence would close in again.

Shunsui turned around in shock. "Don't be stupid. Of course I still love you. But if I can't protect you-

"You don't have to protect me! Just don't leave. Please," Juushiro whispered, tears forming in his eyes. The scene clouded and blurred as a few spilled over. He wiped them away quickly but more flowed and he was unable to stop them.

A warm hand touched his face and wiped away the new tears. Shunsui sat on the edge of the bed and said quietly, "I'm sorry. I just thought you'd be better off without me." Juushiro shook his head, "I can't live without you. You should know that."

"I do now." Shunsui finally looked into his eyes tentatively, "I'll stay with you. I promise."

Juushiro nodded and leaned towards Shunsui's warmth, realizing how much he had missed it. Shunsui embraced him gently, holding him as close as possible.

"I missed you," Shunsui breathed into his hair.

"I missed you too," Juushiro answered. They stayed like that for a long time, until Shunsui leaned down and kissed him gently. Juushiro kissed him back and they slowly parted, resting their foreheads together. The only thing that could separate them now was death. And even that wouldn't work because Shunsui would follow him anywhere.


End file.
